I grew up as a feminist in what I thought was a patriarchal society. And yet, my parents taught me to state my opinions, back them up, and know that I was loved even if they didn't agree.
My husband is born and bred Utahn. I didn't really have a problem with it because he wasn't a Jazz fan. I wanted the court house wedding and he wanted the whole sha bang. We balanced each other pretty well.
However, he grew up in an extreme rightist patriarchal society. One in which for the first year we were married his father never called on a female to bless the meal. Or on pie nights, the women would make the pies, eat after all the men had ate, and then cleaned up everything. How my husband turned out the way he did, is still a mystery to me.
Life was manageable, until we started going to his grandparents' every week which was the family norm. Every one would sit around the room and discuss whatever they thought, but since they all thought the same way it was almost crazy. I remember once that Facebook came up as a point of discussion and how girls were doing this thing called "Facebook stalking" and wasting precious hours on the internet that they could have spent indexing. I sat quiet not wanting to rock the boat since I have a tendency for the dramatics and pushing people's buttons.
It wasn't until politics came up that things got ugly. Word spread like wildfire that I was a "democrat" and the barbs started flying. "How could any good standing member of the church be a democrat?" his uncles would yell as they stared into my face. I was quickly outcasted and would often shake with fury. I let Nate have it in the car on the way home. See I have a thing about making people feel stupid when I know that they can actually comprehend what I am saying, but when ignorance is so engrained that you know it would be like talking to a brick wall, I won't waste my time.
Another uncle starting leaving the room every time we would come over and then would come back in and ask everyone a question, person to person, and then skip over Nate and I, and then leave the room. Or ask everyone who's bag he was holding, get to point where he would ask me, look me up and down, and then turn around and walk away.
Honestly, I've never been shown so much disrespect in my life. AND it was from people who were building a bunker for the end of the world, home schooled their kids, and ate gluten free despite the fact NO ONE IN THE FAMILY is a celiac.
Anyways, almost a year into our marriage my husband decided that he no longer believes in the church or God for that matter. We decided to tell his parents because he's nephew's baby blessing was coming up. Guess who got the heat for it? The democrat feminist wife. Yes I completely ruined their perfect little boy. Me, the one who still drags him to church, but do they know that? Nope.
His family doesn't know how to associate with people who aren't members. We went about 3 months where I was the only one who would ask questions and it would be answered by the fewest words they could possibly think of. So I decided I had had enough. I made Nate in charge of conversation. We started going on hikes and doing extracurricular things so people would have more to talk to us about besides our church standings. But yet, no one asks us anything. No one knows about my job changes, Nate's school, what we like to do for fun, why my toenail is purple, etc. They don't ask, even when we bait them with "We hiked Timpanogos yesterday" "Oh?!" Then they change the subject to something about church. Wait, let me be honest, his dad does ask me one question about once every other month "How's the new job? Still better than the State Hospital?!" Seriously. That's it. His dad won't even look at us when we are at the dinner table. He leaves the room as soon as dinner is done and then comes back in when he knows we are leaving.
My family talks things out. On her last trip here I sat my little sister down and asked her straight up why she doesn't like me. She didn't have any answer, but she didn't care to make things better. So there it is, it's out in the open and I can move on with my life. Maybe this isn't the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it's how I like to deal with things. But this new situation, lifestyle, I don't even know what to call it, whatever it is that I'm in, NO ONE will talk about it. So I'm blogging it, in hopes that I can some how get it out of my system.
No comments:
Post a Comment