Cysts, Moles, and Making Doctors Uncomfortable

Today for the first time in my entire life, I received external stitches. Let's go back to January, when a mysterious blue bump appeared on my face. I tried popping it with a needle, but it just made it a huge red bump. After talking with Katie Cullen, we decided that it was a cyst. I talked to the nurses at my work and also the nurses at the ER (when I was there with a patient) and they all told me to just put hot compress on it. Well, I did and nothing happened. I still had a blue dot on my face. So I decided to go to the dermatologist because my Utah State insurance will end in August.

So today I went to the office and let me just say it was something start out of Trout Creek, Montana. It had dark patchwork-pieced-together-carpet, dark woodwork, white plastic walls, and random pictures of nature. They had me go sit in a room and wait for the doctor. The doctor came in and asked "I'm Dr. Stone, this is my PA assistant. How can we help you?". I stated "Get this thing off my face" pointing to the cyst on my face. I told him "It's a cyst and it hurts when you touch it". He said "You said the exactly the right thing 'It's a cyst and it hurts when you touch it'. We'll take it off". I stated "I also have moles for you to look at". Before I even finished making this statement his assistant was inspecting the mole on my arm. Now I have been to numerous doctors who have looked at the mole on my arm and stated "Just keep watching it". I also showed the doctor the mole on my left breast. Without hesitation the doctor, to no one in particular, stated "Ok take out the cyst and the moles are gone". I began to lift up my shirt so that the doctor can remove the mole. The doctor stated "No, no. Just pull it down this way so that you're more comfortable". What he really meant to say was "You having your shirt up is making me and my assistant uncomfortable". I said "Whatever works for you", because since I regularly sit have naked while people rip the hair from my 'crotch' I have grown very comfortable exposing myself in rooms full of people.

I continued to ask a million medical questions as usual. The doctor administered the shot into my breast and I looked the other way. Then he states "You won't feel anything, just a little pressure". I look down at a swollen, bloody mole and a scalpel and said "Cool". "What are you studying?" The doctor asks. "Psychology" I nonchalantly state. "Have you ever considered medicine?" he asks me. "Yes, but I'm very, very bad at chemistry" I reply. The doctor states "Well in high school I was bad a chemistry, but in college it was different". I told the doctor "Yeah, my high school chemistry teacher told me 'You might as well give up now because you'll end up in retail'". The doctor, his assistant, and the nurse spent the next mole removal trying to tell me how wrong my teacher was and all that jazz.

I asked for a mirror to watch the removal of the cyst. They used a mole punch to cut straight to the core of the cyst. My face was bloody and the doctor was pulling chunks out of my face. It was awesome. Then it came time to stitch up my face. I begged the doctor to let me do one of the stitches. He said that because it was in such an awkward spot he couldn't. He told me that if I get a mole off my stomach, then he will allow me to. He also told me to go home and "look in places where the sun doesn't shine for moles and I will gladly take them off for you". Good thing I got a brazilian wax so I can examine places the sun doesn't shine.

When it was all over, I asked the doctor how soon I will be able to go swimming. He asked, "Well, try to stay out of public pools for a while." I asked "What about the lazy river at Seven Peaks?". He said "That will be fine as long as you use waterproof bandaids and put vaseline on them every half hour. And try to keep your head above the water". Little did the doctor know that I rarely put my head under the water.

Moral of the story: don't try to lift your shirt in a dermatologist's office, wear sunscreen, check places where the sun doesn't shine for cancerous moles, and if there's a blue bump on your face for numerous months, it's probably a cyst.